Phillip Hodson, relationship expert and psychologist, has this advice for keeping a long relationship fresh:

Keep touching: You need to do plenty of touching, without this having to lead to sex. You need to hug and hold often enough as a way of demonstrating the continuance of your affection. Note: this is not about foreplay as such - but you'd be surprised how often it pays off later in the day's transactions.

Get rid of the children: Ruthlessly, but politely, use family members to remove children from your presence on a regular basis. With this blessed private time, assess and address your most pressing needs as a couple. It could be sleep. It could be a back rub. It could be a minor row taken to a helpful conclusion. It will probably involve complete and uninterrupted sentences to which you have to readjust linguistically. It might be erotic.

Learn to cook: Looking after your partner's dependency needs is a key to their feeling valued. If you can't cook, learn how to change beds. If that's all too difficult, learn how to say, "I think you are feeling stressed, tell me how I could help reduce it."

Try to be less irritating: You must know your faults. Why not endeavour to be more accommodating? A relationship is a latent war that neither side can afford to win.

Phillip Hodson is a Fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.  

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The Independent - 1 July 2010