Why therapy is hard and how your therapist supports you through that
What therapy can help with

Therapy can be transformative, validating, and healing – and bring you growth, empowerment and resilience. But the journey through therapy to reach that point can also be difficult and uncomfortable at times.

For some people starting therapy, it can be surprising how challenging it can be, and that it’s not necessarily a quick and easy fix for all your problems.

Our member Amy Bojanowski-Bubb takes a look at some of the reasons why therapy feels difficult, and gives examples of what she and other therapists do to help people who are struggling with therapy.

Eight supportive tips

1. Therapy can challenge long-held beliefs about yourself

“Many people come to therapy carrying beliefs about themselves that have been there for years, sometimes decades. They might believe they’re ‘too sensitive’, ‘not good enough’, or that they should be able to cope with everything on their own. These beliefs often feel like facts rather than opinions, because they've been reinforced by life experiences, relationships, or messages received growing up."

“Part of therapy can involve gently questioning these beliefs and exploring where they came from. While this can be liberating, it can also feel unsettling. If you've organised your life around a particular view of yourself, letting go of it can leave you feeling uncertain about who you are without it."

“As a therapist, I try not to rush this process. Instead, I help clients understand why these beliefs developed in the first place and the role they may have played in helping them cope or make sense of difficult experiences. By approaching these beliefs with curiosity and compassion rather than judgement, clients can begin to consider alternative ways of seeing themselves.”

2. Feeling worse before feeling better

“A common misconception is that therapy should immediately make people feel better. While therapy can be relieving and validating, it can also bring difficult feelings closer to the surface."

“Progress is rarely linear. Many people expect therapy to move steadily forward, but it often involves periods of feeling stuck, revisiting old themes, or experiencing setbacks. This can leave people wondering whether therapy is working at all."

“Part of my role is helping clients understand that these experiences are often a normal part of the process rather than a sign of failure. We work at a pace that feels manageable. Therapy isn't about overwhelming people with painful emotions; it's about helping them feel supported enough to face what they've been carrying.”

3. Letting go of familiar coping strategies can feel frightening

“Many of the coping strategies people bring to therapy developed for very good reasons. People-pleasing, perfectionism, overthinking, staying constantly busy, or avoiding conflict may have helped someone feel safer, more accepted, or more in control at difficult points in their life."

“Even when these strategies are causing problems in adulthood, they can still feel familiar and protective. Letting go of them can create anxiety because people are not only losing an old way of coping, they're stepping into something unknown."

“As a therapist, I try to help clients see these patterns as understandable adaptations rather than flaws or weaknesses. Understanding the protective function of a coping strategy often makes it easier to develop new ways of responding that feel safer and more sustainable.”

4. Change can affect relationships

“Therapy doesn't happen in isolation. As people develop stronger boundaries, become clearer about their needs, or stop taking responsibility for everyone else's feelings, their relationships can change too."

“Sometimes these changes are positive and lead to healthier, more balanced relationships. However, they can also create tension. People may find that others are surprised by their new boundaries or react differently when familiar relationship dynamics begin to shift."

“This can be one of the most challenging parts of therapy because change in one person often affects the people around them. In therapy, we can explore these fears and uncertainties together, helping clients understand that feeling uncomfortable doesn't necessarily mean they're doing something wrong. We can also think about ways of communicating changes clearly and compassionately while staying connected to what matters most to them.”

5. Therapy can involve grieving what you didn't receive

“One of the most profound and unexpected aspects of therapy can be recognising that certain emotional needs were not met in childhood. People may begin to acknowledge what they needed, but didn't receive."

“This can bring up feelings of sadness, anger, disappointment or grief. Some people are surprised by the intensity of these emotions, particularly if they've spent years minimising their experiences or telling themselves that others had it worse."

“As a therapist, I see this grief as an important part of the healing process. Rather than trying to move people quickly past these feelings, I aim to create space for them to be acknowledged and understood. Being able to name and validate these losses can help people make sense of their experiences and develop a more compassionate relationship with themselves.”

6. Therapy can involve taking more responsibility, not less

“Some people come to therapy hoping for answers, advice or a clear solution to their problems from their therapist. It can be surprising to discover that therapy often involves developing a deeper understanding of ourselves and our role within the patterns we find ourselves in."

“When we're hurt or struggling, it's natural to focus on what other people have done to us. Therapy may also involve exploring how we respond, what we tolerate, what we avoid, or the roles we repeatedly find ourselves stepping into. It’s not about blame; it's about understanding the areas where we have influence and choice."

“As a therapist, I don't see myself as the expert on someone else's life. Instead, I see my role as helping clients become more connected to their own understanding, values and judgement. Therapy is often less about being given answers and more about building confidence in your ability to find them for yourself.”

7. Therapy may involve being challenged

“Some people worry that therapy will involve being judged or confronted, while others expect their therapist to agree with everything they say. Effective therapy often involves a balance of support and gentle challenge."

“A therapist might notice a contradiction, point out a recurring pattern, or draw attention to something that seems difficult to talk about. This is about helping the person gain a deeper understanding of themselves and their experiences."

“Any challenge should take place within a safe and trusting therapeutic relationship. My aim is never to push clients beyond what feels manageable, but to help them see things from different perspectives when that may be helpful. Often, some of the most meaningful shifts happen when people feel supported enough to consider something they hadn't previously noticed or thought about."

8. Therapy can change how you see your past

“Therapy can sometimes lead people to view their past in a different way. Experiences that once seemed normal or insignificant may take on new meaning when explored in greater depth."

“This can be difficult because it may challenge long-held assumptions about childhood, family relationships, or significant life events. Some people describe feeling as though they're looking at their life through a new lens, which can bring both clarity and discomfort."

“As a therapist, I try to support clients in making sense of these new understandings at a pace that feels manageable. The goal isn't to rewrite someone's history, but to help them develop a fuller and more compassionate understanding of how their experiences may have shaped them. This can create opportunities for healing, self-acceptance and meaningful change.”

What if difficult therapy doesn’t feel right?

If you’re worried about your therapy sessions and something doesn’t feel right, it’s always best to raise this with your therapist first so you can talk it through with them.

If speaking with your therapist feels difficult, Sarah Millward, from our Get help with counselling concerns service, suggests it may feel easier emailing your therapist and asking them to discuss your worries at your next session, or perhaps write something down and ask to read it out at the beginning of a session.

She adds: “This means you can give your concerns some thought before the session and helps reduce nerves so you don’t forget to mention something.”

Our Get help service provides confidential telephone and email guidance on what to do if you have any concerns about your therapy or your therapist.

Find out more about Get help with counselling concerns.