The day began with a panic attack and an argument with my wife – one that I started. I decided I would take my son out to give him a lasting good memory of his dad, then drop him at home and go back out to take my own life. I feel sick writing that now. But at the time, this type of thinking had become my normality.
In the moment, it felt like a solution to the problem I’d been trying to solve for months. I had long convinced myself that everyone would be better off without me.
Six years on I’m still here because of therapy. I’ve worked with two therapists over the years – one who I credit with saving my life and one who I credit with changing it.
After the birth of my first child I started to struggle with anxiety and depression. I didn’t have words for these experiences and I had no idea what was happening to me. I didn’t know what to do, so I did nothing and focused on making sure that no one had any idea.
After a couple of years of pretending everything was fine, while behaving in ways that suggested that I was not fine at all, the idea of taking my own life presented itself as my only option and the best thing I could do for those around me. It was a particularly close call, on that particularly bad day, that scared me into going to therapy.
I started working with Shaun. He was warm and friendly and I felt safe with him from the start. In one of our early sessions I remember getting upset and asking him, ‘What is this? Why am I like this? What’s wrong with me?’ and he replied, ‘We don’t need to give it a name. All that matters is that you’re clearly struggling and we need to help you feel a bit better. We can sort the rest out later.’
For so long I had felt helpless, completely at the mercy of the voices in my head, and his words were comforting and empowering. It was the first time I considered that things could be different.
Slowly and surely over the next few months, Shaun walked beside me as I found my way back to myself. He gave me space to let go of a lot of baggage that I didn’t know I was carrying, and he helped me to change my thinking and find strategies to balance my life that I still use to this day.
Our work together came to a natural end. There were growing gaps between appointments and I was doing alright. We went our separate ways and I stepped away from therapy.
Despite seemingly doing better I was still navigating the ups and downs of my mental health and I became fearful of sliding backwards. The fear of being unwell started to take over my life and the constant worrying was driving me back towards thoughts of suicide. I made the decision to go back to therapy.
I felt like I needed a clean slate. Shaun knew too much about the old me and I was concerned he would only ever see me through that lens. A fresh start was needed and I began working with Trish.
When I say working, I mean working! Trish was kind and compassionate but would never let me off the hook. By this time I had a lot of words for my experiences and had picked up therapy speak. It turns out that knowing a lot is a great way to avoid doing a lot, especially when the doing required me to be honest and vulnerable and to make some changes.
Our early sessions followed a pattern. I would dance around things to avoid talking about them and she would pin me down and gently guide me towards sitting with myself. It was brutal, and the therapy hangover would often last a day or two, but it was what I needed.
During one session Trish told me, ‘You can’t go back to where you’ve been because you can’t unlearn everything you’ve learned.’ That set me free. It allowed me to move forward and start to work on myself without the fear of becoming depressed again.
She helped me to discover that my suicidal thoughts weren’t really about the act of suicide but another way for me to avoid sitting with uncomfortable truths. This hit home, and I haven’t had another suicidal thought since.
It’s been a long time since I’ve had any problems with anxiety or depression, but therapy will always be something that I do. I enjoy the exploration and enjoy being challenged and the feeling of levelling up. I used to fear this level of honesty but now I welcome it because it helps me to be better. A better husband, a better dad and a better human being.