Throughout our counselling training, we learn that past experiences shape our present emotions and behaviours. This perspective provides an important foundation for understanding our clients and remains central to many therapeutic approaches.

Yet, in everyday counselling practice, we often find ourselves doing something different.

When someone arrives overwhelmed by anxiety, depression, or emotional distress, our first response is rarely to explore their past. Instead, we naturally say:

‘Take your time.’

‘It's OK.’

‘Let's slow things down.’

Why do we instinctively begin there?

The value of insight, and its limits

I fully agree that exploring past experiences, identifying emotional triggers, and examining beliefs are valuable therapeutic processes. They often lead to meaningful insight and long-term growth. However, throughout my clinical work I have repeatedly noticed one important reality:

Clients cannot fully reflect on their experiences or embrace new perspectives until they first regain a stable psychological state.

A client in depressive distress

This became particularly clear while working with a client experiencing severe depressive symptoms. The client arrived visibly tense and found it difficult to organise thoughts or express feelings. At that moment, I did not begin by asking why the client was depressed or by exploring past experiences. Instead, I focused on helping the client regain a sense of stability. I slowed the pace of the session, allowed silence, and remained present without rushing the conversation.

Gradually, the client's tension eased, and they became more able to reflect on thoughts and emotions. Only then did meaningful dialogue become possible.

Only then did the counselling move to its next stage. 

From stability to expectations and values

Together, we explored what was currently influencing the client's state. We then considered the expectations that had developed in response to those experiences, followed by the values connected to those expectations.

Restoring state before changing thoughts

At that moment, I realised that meaningful therapeutic change did not begin with changing thoughts. It began by restoring the client's state, understanding what was sustaining that state, and then exploring the expectations and values that emerged from those experiences.

A sequence for psychological change

The theory proposes that psychological change unfolds through a sequence in which restoring the client's state comes first, followed by understanding the current sources of stimulation, and then exploring the expectations and values that influence behaviour.

Rethinking where counselling begins

Rather than viewing counselling as beginning with cognition, this perspective suggests that therapeutic change often follows a different sequence. First, the client's state is restored. Then the counsellor seeks to understand the current sources of stimulation influencing that state. Only afterwards does the exploration move towards the client's expectations and values.

For me, this sequence has become the starting point of every counselling session.

Perhaps this is why, before asking clients what they think, we instinctively help them feel safe enough to think.

Today, the first question I ask is no longer,

‘What are you thinking?’

Instead, I ask,

‘What state are you in, and what is creating that state?’

Perhaps this is where meaningful therapeutic change begins.

Read more...