Neil Coburn

My clinic is available daytimes every weekday except Thursdays, plus Mondy and Tuesday evenings.  I offer in-person in central Esher (which I tend to recommend if it can work for you), and online if requested. 

Overview

I work with both individuals and couples.  While I have a particular expertise working with couples, I also offer counselling to individuals with a relationship focus, whether it’s a partner, work or family.

My main training is at arguably the UK's  leading institute for relationship therapy.  As a male therapist I’m relatively rare in  this field.  Although it’s a bit of a generalisation, getting started in therapy can be quite uncomfortable for men especially, as we’re raised to avoid talking about how we feel. I try to make this easier.   

Therapy is my second career.  Before this I worked to board level in marketing and business consultancies.  Many years in business means I have a good understanding of the challenges facing busy Surrey families.  

About couples therapy

I was attracted to working with people on their relationships, maybe because the couple relationship is so much more than the sum of the two individuals; it’s about how their similarities and their differences create a unique combination. The relationship can almost becomes an entity in itself.

Over the course of time, what brings us together and works so well at first can be the very thing that creates challenges.  Differences can become divisive instead of complimentary. Or, too much similarity can lead to boredom or frustration.  Outright arguments can become an issue, or alternatively coldness, distance or indifference. Perhaps difficulties with sex and intimacy. 

As well as working on communication and understanding, I can help you to see your relationship in a different way, understand why it works, or why it worked, what’s been lost and how to regain it. 

Seeking Individual Therapy? 

I work with individuals on their intimate relationships whatever the dilemma - a dilemma about a current one, or difficulties in finding or keeping a partner. 

Sometimes it’s a work focus, and while I’m not a professional coach I can help people with who they are at work, and who they’d like to be.

I work from my own private consulting room in central Esher.  I can also offer online therapy.  

The first step is for us to explore what you what you want to get out of your work with me. I can help open up some conversations about what you might have been putting aside for some time, in a safe and neutral space, away from daily life.

We can then start to gain clarity on the issues and I can help you see things differently. and more clearly. I have a warm conversational style and am not afraid to point things out which you might not wish to hear.

I work with people from all walks of life, both couples and individuals . I will always try to understand and respect you, whatever your beliefs, behaviours and values. 

My training is based on psychodynamic and attachment principles, which can involve considering possible links between our childhood experiences and how we are as adults.  However that’s only an element of the work, and I will always try to focus on what you would like to achieve. 

I have worked with couples and individuals with different backgrounds and demographics, for example gay and lesbian couples and individuals; with couples with different family heritage who can sometimes find it hard to find their combined family identity; with many British born Asian people who can find balancing the traditions and demands of their families of origin with Western European culture. 

I typically work weekly, continuing for as long as you wish. These are normally on the same day time at the same time each week, however I offer some flexibility for any sessions you are unable to attend, and can also offer online as an alternative if you are away.  I do charge a fee for missed sessions.  I can explain more about this in the initial consultation. 

My sessions are the standard 50 minutes. The initial consultation session is also 50 minutes, though typically more of a Q and A than subsequent sessions.  The consultation is of course mostly a space for you to talk about what’s going on with you, and what you’d like to be different in life.

There is of course no obligation to continue past the initial consultation - it’s a taster for you to give you a feel for what it would be like to work with me - though almost all my clients to continue.  I can answer any questions you may have about the process,  or indeed anything else that's on your mind.  

If you are looking for couples therapy on behalf of you and your partner, I think it’s always best that you talk with each other about the idea of couples therapy first before getting too far down the line to booking a session. It’s common that one partner sees that there are relationship issues while the other isn’t ready to recognise this. Sometimes this needs a bit of time to sink in, and no-one likes to be blindsided and told there's a session they should attend tomorrow!

If you are ready to book an initial consultation, this is often the best way to start, so both partners are there, to give their individual perspectives on the issues from the outset, allowing plenty of time.   If however you would like to talk with me first on the phone, we can have an introductory conversation. Or, if you prefer, I can offer a free 20 minute zoom session to both you and your partner.