Rebuilding a connection with adult children can be difficult — particularly when time, conflict, or unresolved feelings have created distance. But it’s never too late to start again and the festive period offers an opportunity to reach out, reconnect and rebuild trust.

With patience, empathy, and gradual steps, trust and understanding can be restored.

Our members have shared insights on how to manage family reconciliation and managing family challenges over the festive season.

Be kind to yourself first

Finding yourself estranged from your adult child can be painful and full of uncertainty.

“It’s important to acknowledge your feelings and how this is impacting you,” says Jenny Warwick, family reconciliation specialist.

“Before thinking about how to reconnect, prioritise your own well-being. When you show yourself compassion, it helps you approach the situation with greater calm and clarity.”

“Estrangement can feel like a bereavement, bringing sadness, guilt, and shock. Giving yourself time to process these emotions helps lay the groundwork for honest self-reflection,” she adds.

Reflect on the past without blame

“Self-reflection is essential but often uncomfortable,” Jenny explains.

“It can be helpful to explore what led to the estrangement and your role in it, no matter how small. This isn’t about blame — it’s about understanding the dynamic between you and your child. That insight creates space for meaningful communication later on.”

“Parents can feel very ‘got at’ when their adult children bring up past hurts,” says Alison Roy, a Consultant child & adolescent psychotherapist.

“It’s easy to slip into defensiveness — to accuse them of being unfair, selfish, or of forgetting the good moments. But taking responsibility, even when it feels uncomfortable, is such an important part of healing.

“Having the support of a counsellor or therapist with expertise in conflict resolution or mediation can make that process easier,” she adds.

Take it one step at a time

“Reconnection rarely happens overnight,” Jenny says. “Separation may have felt sudden, but it usually developed gradually. If there’s to be a reconnection, it’ll also take time.

“Focus on building openness and trust rather than expecting a quick fix or fairytale ending,” she adds.

Alison agrees: “Whether this is a reconciliation after a lifetime apart or after a long fall-out, it’s vital not to rush things. There’s often a desire to make up for lost time or to air every grievance, but most people simply don’t have the emotional capacity to do that at first. Managing expectations is key.”

She suggests small steps — asking a few questions, sharing selectively, and being curious without going too deep, too soon.

“It’s a fine balance of not withholding, but also not overwhelming,” she says.

Don’t push your own agenda

If you’re the parent, try not to push your own agenda.

"Work on settling the hurt or feelings within you that could get stirred up,” Alison advises.

“I often encourage parents to close their eyes and listen when they feel defensive or eager to justify themselves. Just modelling the act of listening can shift the dynamic before you even speak.”

“But taking one small step at a time, listening actively, and managing expectations can create space for genuine connection. Sometimes what the festive season stirs up runs deeper than turkey and tinsel,” she adds.

Respect their boundaries

If your adult child has asked for space, it’s important to honour their wishes.

“Small, consistent actions rather than explanations or promises will show them you’re taking them seriously,” advises Jenny.

“Keep contact short, warm, and free of blame. A simple message like ‘I’d love to hear how you’re doing, when you’re ready’ can go a long way.”

Reconnecting isn’t always easy

Family reconciliations are often emotionally intense encounters. There are no easy ways to approach them, but it’s important for both parents and adult children to prepare well and take time to understand the possible obstacles to the connection they hope for.

“There are many scenarios where a reconciliation or a reconnection may happen between family members,” says Alison Roy, a consultant child & adolescent psychotherapist.

“As an adoption specialist, I’ve worked with both birth parents who have been contacted by their adult adoptee children and with adoptees themselves. Often, parents haven’t seen their grown-up children since they were babies.

“Many adoptees seek contact — some for answers, some for resolution, some to express long-held feelings, and others simply to understand their roots or share that they’ve become parents themselves.

“Whatever the motivation, these reunions can be fraught with emotional ‘potholes’, and both sides need to tread gently.”

“You may need additional support from a counsellor or mediator to help hold those conversations safely,” adds Jenny.

Seek support when you need it

“Estrangement takes an emotional toll. It’s more common than people realise, so remember you’re not alone,” Jenny reassures.

“Counselling can help you manage feelings of rejection, maintain perspective, and stay grounded when opportunities to reconnect arise.”

Ditch the pressure for perfection at Christmas

“Home isn’t always where the heart is. There’s an expectation that we’ll return to family or host everyone ourselves — but deep-rooted tensions can’t always be papered over. The stress of trying to make everything joyful often amplifies old patterns,” says Alison.

Striving for perfection can leave people feeling inadequate:

“We carry the pressure to create the perfect celebration, buy the perfect gift, serve the perfect meal. When it doesn’t go to plan, we can feel as though we’ve failed.”

Finding calm in the chaos

“On the big day, try to find a structure that works for you — spacing and timing things without an overly controlling can make the day run more smoothly,” says Alison.“Whether you’re hosting or not, finding ways to release pressure can help you get through it with more ease and even a smile. Having a friend to message or using signals with your partner to show when you’re feeling overwhelmed, can be invaluable.

“Sometimes, something as simple as stepping outside for fresh air and giving yourself space to breathe can help you focus on what truly matters.”

“The key is to know what helps you stay well, what you can say 'no' to, and to carry those tools with you. This is not only a gift to yourself but can also set an example for others who may be struggling,” she adds.

Why it’s hard to admit you’re struggling

Admitting you don’t enjoy the festive period can feel socially unacceptable.

“People often think something’s wrong with them if they’re not full of festive cheer,” Alison explains. “But it’s completely rational to feel anxious about a period where everyone’s expected to be happy. The built-in nostalgia, repetition, and reflective nature of the season can make emotions more intense.

“It can prompt people to reassess their lives and relationships. For some, this clarity feels liberating — for others, it can stir sadness or anxiety about change,” she adds. 

To find a therapist who specialises in family reconciliation visit our Therapist Directory.