January is known as ‘divorce month’- the busiest month of the year for solicitors receiving new enquiries from couples who want to break up.
Our member and individual and couples counsellor Jonathan Eddie shares his insights in to why this part of the year can be so stressful for couples and gives his tips on better ways to manage your relationship.
New year stress is normal
“There are numerous reasons why, come January, couples might find themselves challenged to the point where they consider separation,” says Jonathan.
“The stress from the Christmas holidays – prolonged periods spent with relatives and in-laws, children at home every day, financial pressures exacerbated by the season of excess, the expectation of perfection, memories aroused by this significant marker of time, alcohol use and over-consumption, the list goes on.”
Be realistic about change
“There’s also the ‘New Year, New Me’ mantra, where the end of one year and the beginning of another leads us to reflect on where we find ourselves in life and what we want going forwards,” says Jonathan.
“This often results in a desire for change, and change can be good,” he adds.
However, Jonathan says that in his work as a couple’s counsellor he sometimes helps people recognise and implement the changes necessary to become the person they aspire to be, and in some cases, that change may result in the end of a relationship.
“But I have a fundamental belief that any relationship that was once positive, nurturing, and met the needs of each partner, has the capacity not only to return to its former state, but to become even stronger. As long as both individuals are committed to the work, transformation is absolutely possible.”
Look after yourself but know when to compromise
“Try to understand your needs and take steps to make sure they’re met,” says Jonathan.
“Of course, a certain level of compromise is needed – telling your partner you’re off for a two-hour run as they’re putting dinner in the oven and the kids are fighting over the Xbox, might be taking self care a touch too far. But if you need space, if you need exercise, for example, find considerate ways to factor that in.”
Know your triggers and share them
“It’s not always obvious, and it can even require some personal therapy to recognise our triggers,” says Jonathan. “But what might affect us profoundly may seem insignificant to our partners, and vice versa. This is normal, but most of us are unaware of it.
“If you do feel triggered – experiencing a notable or emotional reaction – allow yourself the space to self soothe. This could be a moment alone, a breathing exercise, or a brief walk around the garden, for example.
“At the same time, don’t be afraid to let your partner know you’re experiencing a challenging moment so that they can soothe you, too. Depending on your needs, that could be a hug, a verbal acknowledgement that they hear your worry and are there for you, or, in the classic British tradition, offering a nice cup of tea!”
Positive communication
“It’s vital to be able to express your needs to your partner, and, just as importantly, listen to theirs in return.
“Healthy relationships are less likely to include lots of (what’s called the Four Horsemen model) criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt. Although all relationships will have some of these, it’s best to try and avoid this sort of behaviour as much as you can.
“Try to communicate in different ways and express yourself without summoning the end of the world (or at least the end of the relationship).”
Say ‘I’ instead of ‘You’
“This is a piece of magic! It has the potential to change the direction of conversation when you say, ‘I know it’s just that thing of mine, and I know you’re not deliberately trying to hurt me, but when you leave your breakfast bowl on the counter rather than putting it in the dishwasher, I feel like I’m being taken for granted.”
“This will be far gentler, far more productive, than if you say, ‘You don’t care about me, do you? You just leave your bowl there and expect me to clean up after you.’”
Consider counselling
“It’s no surprise that I’m an advocate of couples counselling. A trained relationship therapist can help couples negotiate the inevitable challenges that occur in a long-standing partnership.
“Plus, there’s something powerful about working with a third-party in a neutral space away from home. It offers a safe, structured environment where you can express yourself openly without fear of irreparable, wounding conflict.
“While therapy is an added expense, and financial stress is high up the list of why couples seek divorce, there are things we can do to help our relationships, and therefore ourselves.
“But for those who are brave enough to consider it – and I do think it takes bravery to make that first step – couple therapy is there to help.”
If you’re struggling with your mental health and wellbeing, you can find a qualified counsellor or psychotherapist who can help you by searching our therapist directory.

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