A lot of couples struggle to talk about sex and intimacy compared to other issues. This is because some people tend to have feelings of shame and embarrassment around the subject. And if there’s a lack of communication about sex and intimacy, then it can cause conflicts within a relationship.
How sex and intimacy can impact a relationship
We don’t all view sex and intimacy in the same way. Some partners see it as a way of showing their love while others need to feel loved outside the bedroom to want to have sex. One of the most common issues around sex is the lack of it, most commonly this is from men.
Another issue could be one partner wanting to try something different but can’t voice that to their partner. Likewise, how you want sex might change the older you get, as you might experience different ailments, challenges, and maybe erectile problems too.
Top tips
The foundation for a great, intimate relationship is good communication. Be vulnerable and unafraid to express your needs. It’s not easy to be vulnerable but it’s at the heart of feeling connected to your partner. Consider what your relationship was like before you stopped talking and what made it like it is today. You don’t have to be a sexual couple to have intimacy and feel connected in your relationship.
Be curious about your partner and ask questions. Often couples lose interest in each other. When a relationship gets flat, it becomes more of a mundane routine, impacting intimacy. When communicating with your partner, be curious. Ask them what their day or week looks like. Can you begin to prioritise each other in order that you each feel more important and cared for? Can you adopt new habits that are conducive to a healthier version of you as a couple?
Be open and honest with your partner about what your desires are sexually. If you don’t want to do something, tell them. Similarly, if you are keen to try something new, try to find the courage to bring that up as well. If you do something you don’t want to do, whether that be sexually or otherwise, this often leads to resentment which negatively impacts relationships.
“I use the saying ‘inside out, outside in’ to refer to differences around sex in relationships. Women approach sex from the inside out, whereby they need to feel an internal emotional connection with their partner in order to get sex on the outside. On the other hand, men feel intimacy through sex and then become emotionally intimate”
Vasia Toxavidi, BACP therapist
When to see a therapist
When you sense something isn’t right in your relationship, even if it seems small to you or if it’s just you that’s feeling like this, and you’re struggling to resolve this between yourselves, it might be time to speak to a therapist.
A therapist may ask you questions like: When you first met, were you sexually compatible with one another? Were you happy with the quantity or quality of sex? Did you feel safe, secure, loved in a way that made you feel satisfied and connected with your partner? If not, why not? What can you each try to do differently? What got in the way of your compatibility as a couple? What can you do better as a couple to learn from this?
Having an opportunity to talk to an expert can lead to a huge change within a couple’s relationship and for an individual as well, bringing clarity and ease to the relationship.