Bereavement
What therapy can help with

Bereavement is the experience of losing someone close to you through death. It is a natural part of life which brings feelings of grief that can feel overwhelming, painful and unpredictable. Most people who are bereaved experience grief, which involves feeling lots of different emotions in response to the death of the person – often including a profound sadness.

As grief specialist Lulu Sinclair explains: “To paraphrase Colin Murray Parker’s poignant words, grief is the price we pay for love – the deeper our love, the sharper the pain. Even when you feel you will never recover, know that you will. Do not expect to be untouched by grief but know that you will come out the other side. Allow yourself to acknowledge your loss, let your feelings guide you and don’t be afraid to mourn. In time, you will heal.”

As well as bereavement, there are other types of loss which can cause grief - such as the end of a relationship or losing a job or home.

What are the signs of grief?

People experience bereavement in different ways. You may feel shock, sadness, numbness, anger, confusion or exhaustion. These reactions are normal and can change from day to day. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and no set timeline for how long bereavement lasts. Some people experience emotions they had not expected or feel overwhelmed by the intensity of their grief.

Lulu says that factors such as how close you were to the person, whether their death was sudden or expected, and your previous experiences of loss can all shape how your grief unfolds. “Even people who usually cope well can be surprised by the depth of their feelings,” shares Lulu.

Grief can also be experienced physically. Many people describe sensations such as tightness in the chest, heaviness in the body or a feeling of being “winded”. These physical symptoms are a normal and recognised part of bereavement.

How to cope with bereavement

In the busy world we live in, you may feel pressured to “move on” or return to normal quickly. Sometimes this pressure comes from others, but often it comes from within.
Lulu says it is important to remember that feelings are not something we can turn on or off: “We can control how we respond to our feelings, but we cannot prevent ourselves from feeling them.”

Here are several approaches Lulu suggests to help with grief:

• Give yourself time - There is no set timetable for grief. Your experiences will change and shift as you move through your bereavement.
• Acknowledge your feelings - Allowing yourself to feel sadness, anger or numbness can help you process the loss. These emotions are natural and valid when someone important to you dies.
• Understand that you do not have to ‘get over’ it - The aim is not to erase your grief. Over time, the intensity of your pain will lessen, even if it does not feel that way at first.
• Accept your own way of grieving - Everyone grieves differently. Some seek company, others want quiet or time alone. Your way of grieving is the right one for you.

What is bereavement counselling?

Bereavement counselling offers a safe, confidential space to explore your thoughts and feelings with a trained professional. For some people, support from friends, family or their own coping resources may be enough. Others may find counselling helpful - especially if they feel stuck, overwhelmed or unable to move forward.

“Bereavement counselling is time set aside just for you,” says Lulu. “You may feel more able to talk freely with someone independent of your day-to-day life. The conversation is private and non-judgemental.”

Counselling can help you make sense of your emotions, understand the impact of your loss and find new ways of coping as you adjust to life without the person who has died.

“Trust your instinct,” Lulu adds. “If you feel you need to talk repeatedly about the person you’ve lost and would prefer to do so with someone outside your circle, a bereavement counsellor can offer that support.”

If you feel you would benefit from speaking to a trained professional, you can search for a qualified, registered counsellor through the BACP Therapist Directory.

If you have any comments or would like to share your story, please get in touch with us.